Last night was the 84th Academy Awards event, more commonly known as the Oscars to us non-Hollywood weirdo types. This is the first time I’ve ever seen the Oscars, and truth be told, I now know exactly why I avoided it all these years. It’s kind of boring.

There are a grand total of 24 awards to go out, and somehow, the media or movie industry or someone seems to think this warrants a three and a half hour event.

Like this, but with an extra helping of boring.


The Academy Award ceremony is touted as the biggest night in Hollywood, and certainly it’s an honor to receive one, but  I can’t help but feel that the spectacle has largely overshadowed the event itself. Which is sad, because there wasn’t much spectacle.

While I initially thought it was Christopher Walken (who has an entire page on Wikipedia to list all of his acting awards) singing during the opening of the awards, turns out it was just Billy Crystal  who would be hosting the event for the ninth time. Well, it’s not like he was going to win one.

Though he has been unfairly neglected in the past.

I usually assume that a movie has to be long, dramatic and full of “higher meaning” to be nominated for an Academy Award or at least be in a language other than English. Certainly no Kevin Smith movie has ever been nominated. However, I was forcibly corrected last night. Real Steel, Harry Potter, and Transformers all received nominations.

At first this disturbed me, but then I saw that the nominees for best original song only had a total of TWO nominees, so I’ll assume Real Steel was thrown in it’s category just to keep things interesting. It didn’t win, thank God.

Meryl Streep and Other Surprises

A big disappointment was Meryl Streep’s win for The Iron Lady. As was a common theme for most of the movies at the Awards, I haven’t actually seen The Iron Lady. But I do love Margaret Thatcher, and after reading the movie synopsis, I’ll probably still be avoiding the movie. I don’t think it was written by a fan.

But a big deal was made throughout the entire ceremony how Streep hadn’t won an award in forever. She has more Oscar nominations than any other woman ever and has won three, the last being in 1982. I’m pretty sure the only reason she got this one is because they want her to beat another record.

Martin Scorsese’s Hugo

Yet again, I’ve not seen Hugo. But judging from last night, it’s one of the best movies that came out last year that looks like it might actually be watchable by us normies. It won several awards, and may have even won the most.  Everyone was talking about this one.

However, as awesome as Hugo assuredly is, it lost Best Picture to The Artist. The interesting thing about The Artist is it’s a silent film. It’s the first silent film to win an Oscar since talkies became all the rage on 1929.

First, I object to this movie being called a silent film. It’s not. Just in the clips they showed during the ceremony you could clearly hear a phone ringing and a dog barking. This is just a movie where no one talks until two lines in the end. Second, it’s exactly the type of movie that I expect to win Best Picture. It’s artsy and it’s foreign. French in fact. This movie was made to win an Oscar.

Actions speak louder than words, apparently.

The End?

In a night full of high-cut skirts, low cut tops and a Martin Scorsese drinking game that I wish I’d been playing too, I couldn’t help but wonder where the magic was. Most of the people winning were thankful, but there weren’t as many tears as I expected. Okay, Octavia Spencer made with the water works when she won Best Supporting Actress for The Help, but she was probably just wearing three pairs of Spanx under her gown again.

Thanks for the Oscar, but damn these things are constrictive!

Most of Billy Crystal’s jokes were lame. His jokes were the kind of second rate humor you expect from a family friendly movie news and humor site, not the high caliber stuff you’d expect from a famous comedian. Most of the presenters were funnier than Crystal (speaking of presenters, why can’t Tina Fey look good in a fancy dress?).

Even Will Ferrell was funnier, and he’ll laugh for hours just sitting in a monkey house at a zoo.

For me, the best part was the Cirque Du Soleil show, and that’s because Danny Elfman did the music. You may remember him from Oingo -Boingo or a Tim Burton movie. And as awesome as the music (and to a lesser extent the nearly impossible feats of agility) were, I think an awards ceremony dedicated to the grandeur of cinema production should have more to appeal to the audience than people in tights flipping through the air.

It’s the movies, people – entertain me!

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